Accepting that you have a mental illness can be very hard. I think it wasn’t until I had my third hospital stay did I stop using air quotes when talking about my bipolar with my therapist.
over 57.7 million Americans are diagnosed with some form of mental illness. These are just the ones over eighteen. We can’t forget about the kids because so many suffer with labels. Such as “bad” “troublemaker” “weird” when they too are suffering inside and need someone to recognize that. Anyway,as I was saying,I didn’t take to my diagnosis very kindly. I didn’t do anything to help myself.I drank.a lot. Slept irregularly, ate what ever I wanted and didn’t listen to the advice of those closest to me.in fact,I could be down right mean and nasty as a snake if I was offered advice that probably would’ve made me feel better. It so hard. You just don’t see it. The mood swing,irrational thoughts, slowly isolating yourself from people and that really helps the depression dig its claws in. That’s when the suicidal idealation starts and you just think everything and everyone would be better without you. My husband is like a hawk and I can’t thank him enough. I would actually be dead today if it weren’t for him so to say that he helps me survive this thing is an understatement . I suffer from the kind where you get about 95% depression and 5% mania. Boy when I’m depressed do I wish I was manic,at least things are fun then. I feel capable of doing them and I just know I’m going to succeed (grandiose ideas anyone!) !!!! But seriously living in either spectrum of this illness isn’t any fun and it takes such a long time to find a balance.
Sadly,not for the effort of millions,there is still a stigma surrounding mental illness. Heck,I haven’t even brought up this blog on my Facebook page yet because I’m scared.will people think I’m crazy,will they not let their kids have play dates at the house of that mum with the crazies going on in my head. There,I admitted it.Im scared to share with those who know me that I have bipolar and I shouldn’t be. I’ve told myself that I’m going to share by the end of the week so we shall see. I just hope people don’t treat me differently.
The reason that I started this blog was to share,so that others who also are afraid to talk about it,can read and know that they are not alone. Because YOU,yes you,you’re not alone. There’s always someone that can help. It’s just the asking that’s the hard part.
So anyway,I don’t use air quotes anymore!! I don’t drink anymore, in fact I think I’m coming up on my sixth month sober anniversary! I’m still trying to exercise as I know it will do me good but I’ve come along way from that angry,sad,hopeless feeling woman standing by the door begging to go home and that feels good.