So I started to tell you about a girl that I met,when I got distracted with other thoughts. Hello ADD (I’m allowed to joke,I have it!! ;-0 )
So names kept inside my head but we’ll have to call her something. Let’s see, Penelope,yes that suits her (if you saw her you would agree) So Penelope was very sweet but man did she have balls!! I wasn’t the best behaved in there,in fact my doctor told my husband that I was quite difficult to treat as I knew what I wanted and made it very clear what I didn’t ! (there I go,getting off track,meds should kick in soon!!) Penelope shared a room with one of my now best friends. She didn’t really bother with her, just spoke to her occasionally but me, well I for some reason caught her curiosity so she was around me a lot,which meant that I was there to see all the fun stuff and boy did she keep me amused. There was a long tall desk for the nurses station with a locked gate at either end and I’m standing there one day,probably complaining that I wanted to go home and that today I was leaving,when all of a sudden,there she was,behind the nurses station, casually picking up everyones folders and flicking through them as though she was doctor of the day. No one noticed until I burst out laughing so loud that I made my nurse jump. I started saying “Penelope,what are you doing,you’ll never get out if you don’t start behaving” (this wasn’t the first offense) Obviously then all in charge see her and are calmly saying “come Penelope,come out of there,what are you doing”? “No” she said quite defiantly,which made me laugh even harder and I got a good dose of the side eye from my nurse! Whoops,what can I say,she was so brazen about it. So she’s still flicking through our folders when they finally get her attention properly.She firmly puts the folder back on the shelf and says “No,I’m not coming out.I’m exercising my patient’s rights,I want to see my reports ” By now,I am practically rolling around on the floor laughing and I am sternly told to go to the TV room! Ha,no way,this was better than TV!! So now they had the two of us refusing to move! You couldn’t blame her for sneaking in there,the sacred place of donut holes,cookies and crumb cake!! I don’t know how they got her out eventually but I know that she was still there when I went back four weeks later and still causing a ruckus!! I don’t know,maybe you had to be there to see it, maybe if you’ve been in a psych ward you’ll get the gist and understand just how comical it was. All she needed was a white coat and she would have fit right in. So anyway, That’s the first story of Penelope, the attempted escapee,(oh yes she did!) A woman that knew her rights,even when our minds weren’t working right.
I glanced out of the window and there before me was a rainbow of tree tops. Oranges,yellows,greens,browns and reds.It was so beautiful yet I felt a sadness in my bones. You see it was two years ago that I had my first,and second pretty damn quickly after being released the first time,stay in a psychiatric ward. One thing that bothered me immensely was that during that time I missed the changing of the leaves.When I went in,they were barely changing and by the time I came out after the second stint,the trees were bare. Fall is my favorite time of year and ever since then,I have made a point of taking in all of the beauty to be had yet it sometimes catches me off guard and saddens me. Reminds me that I’m sick and must manage my illness or I will become very sick very quickly,again. It also reminds me of those stays. Yes,I met some really nice people, found an awesome doctor and had some laughs but it was also an extremely sad time for me. I felt so alone,so full of despair that this “thing” had it’s grips on me. yet its good to grieve so I let myself feel that pain again instead of trying to push it down. I let it wash over me today and right now,even though I feel a little off,I feel better. Again,with the acceptance comes some freedom. Instead of fighting those feelings today and ultimately making myself feel worse, I let them be and now I’m free of them for now. I was able to do my children’s homework with them and have supper with them. Drop off the boys to their football practice and now hang with the little one as I write this. Once upon a time,the thought of doing one of those tasks would have had me diving under the bed clothes. Always remember, it can,with work,get better.
Now in my experience,anyone that doesn’t have experience with mental illness think of psychiatric hospitals like one flew over the cookoo’s nest.All stark white with bars and people running around shrieking scaring the living daylights out of anyone with their wits about them (or not) The sad thing is,they are still not like regular hospitals that you are admitted to until you recover. Your worried family and friends visit,sit by your bedside holding your hand,bringing you flowers or grapes and telling you funny stories.No,sadly,it’s not like that at all. Where I went for all of my stays was pleasant,the beds were comfy,the people that worked there, nice (well,most of them)you had groups to go to and activities to go to BUT you were locked in and if you went near that door a nurse that was built like a brick shit house would start to walk towards you and you would run!!(or you wouldn’t,hilarious story to come!!)
I felt safe there but I didn’t want to be there and I wasn’t easy to deal with.They said I was having a mixed episode I believe( i’ll have to double check) I was sad,wanted to hurt myself but I was having racing thoughts and was very angry,nothing was right and nothing was the way I wanted it. I was worried because all of a sudden I had disappeared from my children’s lives.poof,there one minute,in the ER the next. what would they think,what did anyone think.Everyone would think I was crazy and stay away from me.It was a very sad time. I was there two weeks when I had finally had enough.I convinced my doctor that I felt fine,everything was great,yes I would go to outpatient and yet less than a week later I was back,again! Funny thing is,a lll of this happened around two years ago to this day.They say that its seasonal.When I saw my doctor the other day,he told me that the hospital was full of people with bipolar. Also the weird thing is,i’ve been feeling pretty darn good yet I wake up this morning feeling off,sensing the darkness creeping in around the edges of my brain.Today is a bloody horrible day,overcast,windy and cold. I busied myself up to now but I still feel off.
This post was supposed to be about a girl I met. A girl with obvious illness,but man was she funny. She took a liking to me,well up until the day I said “for god’s sake” and she took great offense.I should have guessed by the loud singing of the hail Mary that filled the corridors at night time!! She forgave me in the end when I realized and apologized! She did some funny assed things and I’ll tell you more another day.